Central Board bans Force movie, says it's a gay porn.

Mumbai: Central Board of Film Certification, popularly known as cencor board has banned movie Force. This news came as a shock to the producer of Force, Vipul Shah. He said "I don't believe this is happening to me, after giving super flops like London Dreams and Action Replay, I thought this movie will be a comeback for me. I even kept Akshay Kumar out of this project so that there are at least slight chances that this movie is a hit.". Our reporters were not sure what he meant so they asked the reasons because of which the movie banned.Vipul was unsure of reason so our reporters contacted  censor board.

This scene is said to be the most romantic scene of recent times. Aww moment.

Our reporters contacted Sharmila Tagore, but were abused badly because they didn't knew that Sharmila is no longer Chairperson of Censor Board. So our reporters referred Google and found out that a Bharatnatyam dancer, Leela Samson is a new chairman of CBFC.We asked Leela reasons for banning Force. She said, " What do you mean why? Haven't you seen posters of  this film? It's a gay porn movie!." Our reporters have seen the poster of movie before but they never  noticed any such thing. She understood we need more explanation, so she said " Two guys, naked, holding hands, lookin each other in eyes, With Force written on poster. Is it a movie poster or a condom advertisement?" Our reporters said condoms are not involved in gay sex. She got angry and said " Don't say condom so much lest I will ban this interview."
On not getting sufficient answers from Leela Samson, our reporters asked industry expert Kamaal R. Khan. He said, "LOL (he actually 'said' LOL), they all are Rs 2 people, John thinks that he will play gay every time and become famous like me. But there is a limit to everything, you cant make a hit film just by showing a butt crack."
Meanwhile, Leela Samson calmed down and called us. She said that she was no able to complete her interview and she said, " I just saw promos of Force, I think John is bisexual in the movie."

Indian Government cries foul for sending Hina R Khar to India

New Delhi: Days after when youngest foreign minister of Pakistan, beautiful, gorgeous, 34-year-old Hina Rabbani Khar left country, Indian Ministers got back to there senses and realized that they have been made fool again. When our minister of external affairs, S M Krishna was preparing for speech which speaks of issues he and his Pakistani counterpart discussed, he realized, he was so stunned at her beauty, he forgot what agenda he had in his mind.

This reminded us of famous dialouge, "Haath ko aaya, mooh na lagayaa"

Manmohan Singh was frustrated because he thought BJP got another reason to defame him and his party but to his shock, public, specially males sympathized with S M Krishna. People also send condoms packet at his home with 'we understand your frustration, go get yourself a hooker' written on it.
"There's no reason we should be angry." 23 year old Gurpreet Singh said." This can happen to anyone, anywhere. Imagine yourself working in an office full of people with white hair and kurtas everywhere. Then suddenly, one day someone like Hinaji comes. Its very natural that Krishna forgot what agenda he had. I am just glad, he did not lost his control and saved us from a national humiliation."
Our reporters contacted S M Krishna as they wanted to know more about this story. He was very candid and told us that, "It's true that I miss Hina now. Even during our so called 'talks' I always look forward for end of our meeting because I got to hold her hands.But on other hand I am very relieved that she's gone. Will you believe everyone wanted to meet with her. Rahul Gandhi attended all the dinners hosted by us for them. Even Ajmal Kasab demanded a meeting. I was really irritated when Anil Kapoor contacted me. He said he was inspired by his own movie 'Nayak' and wants to become minister of external affairs for just one day". BJP compared sending Hina Rabbani Khar to India equivalent to a terrorist attack. "First they send bomb. Now bombshells.", said L. K. Advani.
We asked Hina R. Khar how did she liked India? She said, "My visit to India was very good. I noticed that all Indian men have very wide eyes and there mouth always remains open. They are same as Pakistani men.I hope this ccountry unite as there men have already united. But I don't understood one thing, whenever I shaken my hands with S M Krishna, he always ran too washroom and came back after 5 minutes. Why does he do that?" Our reporters did not responded to this question and ended the interview as they also wanted to shake hands with her.

Adidas launches Protesting Shoes

Herzogenaurach (Germany): In a press conference yesterday, Herbert Hainer, CEO of Adidas, launched new type of shoes, Herbert said, "These shoes are perfect example of innovation! No one has even dared to think like his before, we made shoes multi-purpose." Then he removed the cloth from the box at his side and showed the world new type of shoes and said " These shoes are called, 'Protesting Shoes'." None of the reporters were sure what these shoes are exactly but all of them clapped nevertheless.
Our reporters were first to understand the concept. These shoes were made for protesters all over the world. Herbert continued, " Throwing shoes at politicians is a trend now. The trend was started by Muntadhar al-Zaidi in Iraq, our company, as always is a first identifier of an emerging trend. We understand the public demand and are ready with our new product. "

Model displaying protesting shoes, it should be noted that emphasize here is on how hard it will hit, not on design. Genius.

We asked how they are different from everyday, casual shoes. Hainer answered, " Obviously, you can use any shoe to throw, but answer me a simple question. How many of these shoes have actually got there aim? No one. And this is the main problem. We have solved these problem with two-steps. Firstly, we made our shoes really lite. Second step is really awesome! We have added sensors in our shoes. Suppose, today I want to throw shoe at Arnab Goswami, you all know even while sitting during a debate at his prime time show, he shifts his whole body sometimes towards right, sometimes towards left, now it will be very difficult for me to aim at him. But these shoes have in-built sensors, all I will have to do now is throw these shoes towards him, and they will hit him automatically.".
Maybe for the first time, both BJP and Congress have same point of view. Both of them do not want these shoes to be launched in India. It is possible that they are denying both know that they are the ones those shoes will be thrown at. Kapil Sibal said, " We are subject to these shoe-throwing game, till now we were spared somehow because of bad aim of protestors.". Even L. K. Advani supported Sibal, "I absolutely second Sibal on this, I am one of the 'survivors' of shoeing. We will declare bandh next week."
There are unconfirmed reports that Manmohan Singh is going for indefinite hunger strike at Jantar Mantar from tomorrow. He is protesting so that Sonia Gandhi agrees and give order to him so he can ban the entry of these shoes. But he will only protest if police allowed him to do so. 

SC: Newly designed currency notes to be used when bribing

New Delhi: According to a landmark decision by Supreme Court, whenever an Indian citizen will give bribe to a government official, he will use a newly designed currency note.Though the layout will be the same, 'new' currency notes will be significantly different from old, regular one. Our reporters asked Pranab Mukherjee, finance minister, the rational behind this decision, he said, "We all know Lokpal bill is heading nowhere, but as you know how efficient we are, we accepted our limits that we will never be able to control corruption in India, so why not invent a method, which will make corruption easy and quick for both parties."

He understood our reporters needed more explanation, he gasped and said " New currency notes will only be of one denomination, that is Rs. 1000, this will help bribe-takers as minimum bribe will be Rs 1000 and it will help bribe givers as they can now show this expenditure in there tax return and this expenditure will also give them tax relief.".
Our reporters asked for a bribe-note to show it  as a sample to our readers, but when they got it, it was taken away from them as a bribe. Though our reporters took a good look at a note and according to them, there are some major changes in note.
First of all, it is of same color as standard 1000 rupees note, that is red. We think it is because this money is people's khoon paseene ki mehnat, so red color. There is picture of Suresh Kalmadi instead of Mahatma Gandhi. there is signature of A Raja instead of governor. There is white area in a note where you can see Gandhi's photo when you see it against a light, this note will show picture of Harshad Mehta. On the backside, you will see a satellite, some crops, oil extracting machines etc in regular note, but in this note you will see, Aadarsh society building, Games Village and Satyam's logo. And on the extreme left there is 1000 rupees written in 15 languages in regular note, but in this note there are top fifteen scams in Indian history, some of them are, 2G spectrum scam, Commonwealth Scam, Telgi Scam,  Bofor Scam etc.
Dr. Manmohan Singh partied all night long as now he will not be bugged by L. K. Advani over these never ending lists of scams, "Now who is weak?". Asked much relaxed prime minister.

Aliens contact a boy from Punjab through Facebook

Kapurthala(Punjab): In a first, aliens from another galaxy has contacted a 21 year old boy, Vaibhav Sood. The aliens have contacted him in a very unusual way. Although many countries have 'sophisticated machinery' to send and receive signals to and from extra-terrestrial life, they have chosen the path of Facebook which is very famous these days."I was just checking out the teaser of Hangover 2 on my facebook wall, when suddenly a notification of a friend request came". Said Vaibhav. There were mixed emotions of joy and confusion in Vaibhav's mind. Then he said, " I was shocked as usually I send requests, this was first time I received a request. I know then and there something was atypical, 'its' name was 'D K Run'."

Aliens, brainstorming for a cool profile pic.

D K Run, is not accepting any other friend requests and is constantly chatting with Vaibhav Sood. In fact they have appointed Vaibhav as there representative to earth and there are some rumors that they are paying him handsomely. Vaibhav, as a representative of D K Run's planet, Du Gaan, explains that these aliens wanted to contact officials of Indian Government as India interests them the most but they could not as nobody picks the phone which government has given as helpline number in their official website. He said only once the phone was answered and at that time too he was kept on hold for 1 full day. Frustated, D K Run made an account on facebook and send friend request to random person from from India, Vaibhav Sood. We asked why India? Vaibhav said they are planning an attack on a planet in other galaxy and they are taking few exceptionally well trained soldiers from every planet. they have come to India for this purpose. Through satellites they have seen many 3 hour 'documentary films' on soldiers which shows how loyal they are to there country and how well they fight. When we asked which documentary films they have watched? Vaibhav said " Aliens from Du Gaan, includung D K run has watched documentary films titled, Ziddi, Ghatak, Gadar, Border, Sabse Bada Khiladi, Sholay, Ram Balram, Loha. Thay are great fan of father son duo of soldiers, Sunny Doel and Dharmendra. According to them Suny Deol is a living legend-soldier which they can use in there battle."

Our reporters asked why not from any other country? He said D K Run has seen 'Documentary films' showing fighting abilities of soldiers from other countries as well but soldiers from other countris mostly rely on  guns and other sources. Whereas Indian 'soldiers' are good at every possible way of combating, also they are more powerful, they are very impressed with Sunny Deol, mainly because of uncomparable display of strength which he showed by pulling out a hand pump out of ground, they will kidnap him very soon.

Meanwhile, Shiv Sena is not happy with Du Gaan as they have not send friend request to a 'Marathi Manoos'. They will protest against them and will beat them out of Maharashtra, if they come.

Delhi Boy scored 105% in board exams

New Delhi:  Rohit Vij, class 12^th student of Dav school, scored 105% in board exams. While Rohit and his family are extremely pleased with the results, others students are crieng foul. His father, Rakesh Vij, businessman, says “ To be very frank, I am not too surprised with the result. Our son worked very hardly and he deserved this result. Now I am buying him a new phone.”

On the contrary, whole nation is shocked that how such thing can happen.  Narendra Gupta, nieghbour  of Rakesh Vij said “ I know Rohit from his childhood,  He scored 56% in pre-board exams, obviously Rakeshji  has given something under the table.”

Meanwhile Kapil Sibal, Minister of Human Resource Development said “  I understand there is some mistake in the list, but look it is natural that when you have such a large database, some errors may come out.”. Then he relaxed a bit, took a deep breath and said, “ And its just a minor glitch if you compare it with other ministries who cannot even maintain list of 50 people properly. I hope you know who I am talking about.”  

There is strong possibility that this may unravel another huge scam. There are unconfirmed reports that Dr. Manmohan Singh has personally requested CBI to work slowly on this case as he cannot afford another scam.  Whatever the truth is, it surely wil question the faith of Indians in Indian Education system.

Meanwhile when our reporters told Rohit Vij’s mother that 100% marks is maximim one can get and it is impossible for someone to score 105%, she said “ Sadd mat, he might have got extra 5% for good hand-writing.”

Zardari agreed to hand over 50 terrorist to India, but in some conditions.

Lahore/New Delhi: Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari has agreed to hand over 50 terrorist to India, Zardari send an e-mail with an attachment to prime minister of India, Dr.Manmohan Singh. The subject of the mail was ‘hi’.

Prime minister called a late night press conference and told the whole nation that Pakistan has agreed to hand over 50 terrorist. The citizens of India were overjoyed and there were celebrations all around only until when someone switched on India TV. It was showing report of a ‘party waala bhoot’ who kills everyone who parties. People stopped there celebrations then and there.
When we queried about that attachment, PM informed us that there are some conditions which Zardari has kept. Whether our PM will accept or deny these conditions is totally dependent on Sonia Gandhi.
However, that attachment is leaked and conditions are as followed:

1. Buy Pakistani players in next IPL. 
2. Let Pakistan win World-Cup next time.
3. Kill Ajmal Kasab lest he will open his mouth.
4. Make Navjot Singh Sidhu speaker of both houses.
5. Give monetory aid to us so that we can fund more terrorist camps.
6. Send me a T-shirt with Sachin Tendulkar's and Rajnikant's signature on it.
7. Send Suresh Kalmadi to Pakistan, we are planning to host a game too. We dont need him for planning but our politicians can use some extra money.
8. You will not accuse Pakistan for any terrorist attacks on your country from now.Ever.
9. Send Dhoni to Pakistan, we willl make him captain of Pakistan.
10. Include Kamran Akmal in your team.

New Pepsi commercial features Suresh Kalmadi

New Delhi: In a shocking turn of events, US based Pepsi signed a contract at an undisclosed amount with Suresh Kalmadi to endorse its brand. The TV commercial will soon be shot and company has planned a nationwide campaign featuring Suresh Kalmadi.According to Pepsi, the summer is at peak in country and sales of cold drinks are at all time high., but it needed 'something hatke' in order to get above it's rival brands.

Suresh send this photo to ad-agency. They thinks he look cute  when he smiles. What? Another Scam??

Ad-Guru Prahlad Kakkar, who was responsible for previous successful Pepsi commercials which included stars like Sachin Tendulkar and father-in-law of Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, is calling this step of Pepsi as 'much needed' and 'faaaadu'. "Pepsi needed a new endorsement project, 'Change the game' was like just ok. Pepsi got lucky there as India won, otherwise it's consumers would have changed there preference of soft drinks. Moreover I got pissed off after watching Dhoni's nipples.I did not wanted to watch them, but you know, your eyes automatically goes there.”.He shrugged.

But our reporters were still not cleared about the fact that why Pepsi has chosen Suresh Kalmadi? We contacted the marketing team of Pepsi but they didn’t respond so we just dialed the number of Indra Nooyi and asked for the thinking behind this decision.

“It shocks you, it makes you interested in our brand, Am I right?”.Asked Indra Nooyi and she was indeed right.  She continued “ This is one of the reasons we signed Suresh, we will be discussed everywhere! And our advertisement will show Suresh as a bad guy, so no danger of public anger too.”

She said she will make a commercial in which a national hero will expose Suresh Kalmadi’s all misdeeds after drinking Pepsi and our new slogan will be ‘Nation First’.

When we asked who will be that national hero she said we will start a new game show on TV in which applicants will give there entries and our judges will choose final 5 contestants and by public voting through SMS, we will choose final winner who will be playing national hero, though we have already decided that who  will play that national hero but game shows are good publicity source.”. Our reporters asked how many applications they have received. She said she have received many applications but she told that today morning a call came, it was of Dr. Manmohan Singh, he wanted to play that national hero’s part so that he can gain some positive publicity. “We refused blankly.”Nooyi said.

Meanwhile,there are some unconfirmed reports that Coke is in 'talks' with A Raja for a similar type of contract. In that commercial, a new ‘national hero’ gives A Raja Coke to drink, then A Raja goes ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrrr’ and all the money he had stolen from Indian taxpayer, falls down from his clothes. 

Diesel car owners protest over 1 week delay of hike of diesel prices

New Delhi: Within 24 hours of hike in petrol price by Rs. 5, Diesel Cars Owners Association (DCOA) has declared bandh in some parts of cities. They are protesting towards government for the partial behavior shown to them.

"Humare saath sautela vyavhaar hua hai ( We are treated like stepsons)" said Ashok Gupta, proud owner of Indica diesel, "When prices of petrol are hiked today itself, why we are bound to wait? Prices have increased 9 times in recent past and almost every time, whenever prices of petrol and diesel were hiked hiked together, both parties used to protest together in various part of cities, it used to be like a carnival!!"he said, there were tears in his eyes.
This news came as a shock for Baba Sehgal as he assumed that with rise in prise of petrol, diesel price would be also increasing. he took his diesel car to a nearby petrol pump and waited for some news channels to visit that petrol pump to take public reactions for rise in price.He thought he will go for diesel and he will get interviewed and will remind people of his presence but he lost his chance for much needed 1 minute publicity as prices were not increased today. "Damn it! I even prepared a rap on the increased price of diesel, now I guess I will have to wait for one more week!", said disappointed Baba Sehgal.
Mukesh Bhatt, who is an expert on every possible thing seemed to understand the pain of DCOA "See, government always tries to play smart! They are dividing petrol and diesel users so that they cannot come together and launch a joint protest. They are using divide and rule policy."
"This is entirely baseless" said a top level manager of an oil marketing company "You only tell us, in those 9 previous times, they always launched a joint campaign, has anything changed in those 9 times? The delay is for different reasons." On continuously asking for reason he finally agreed and said that the paper work for increasing petrol prices have been completed but for diesel we have to wait because officials are busy watching IPL.
Meanwhile news channels dared and asked for Rahul Mahajan's opinion he said, "I am confused what this fuss is all about? Earlier also I used to buy petrol worth Rs. 500 and even now I am buying worth Rs. 500.".Reporters stared at him then he burst into laughing and said it was a joke that Jaipal Reddy just SMSed him.