Saturday 28 May 2011

Aliens contact a boy from Punjab through Facebook

Kapurthala(Punjab): In a first, aliens from another galaxy has contacted a 21 year old boy, Vaibhav Sood. The aliens have contacted him in a very unusual way. Although many countries have 'sophisticated machinery' to send and receive signals to and from extra-terrestrial life, they have chosen the path of Facebook which is very famous these days."I was just checking out the teaser of Hangover 2 on my facebook wall, when suddenly a notification of a friend request came". Said Vaibhav. There were mixed emotions of joy and confusion in Vaibhav's mind. Then he said, " I was shocked as usually I send requests, this was first time I received a request. I know then and there something was atypical, 'its' name was 'D K Run'."
Aliens, brainstorming for a cool profile pic.
D K Run, is not accepting any other friend requests and is constantly chatting with Vaibhav Sood. In fact they have appointed Vaibhav as there representative to earth and there are some rumors that they are paying him handsomely. Vaibhav, as a representative of D K Run's planet, Du Gaan, explains that these aliens wanted to contact officials of Indian Government as India interests them the most but they could not as nobody picks the phone which government has given as helpline number in their official website. He said only once the phone was answered and at that time too he was kept on hold for 1 full day. Frustated, D K Run made an account on facebook and send friend request to random person from from India, Vaibhav Sood. We asked why India? Vaibhav said they are planning an attack on a planet in other galaxy and they are taking few exceptionally well trained soldiers from every planet. they have come to India for this purpose. Through satellites they have seen many 3 hour 'documentary films' on soldiers which shows how loyal they are to there country and how well they fight. When we asked which documentary films they have watched? Vaibhav said " Aliens from Du Gaan, includung D K run has watched documentary films titled, Ziddi, Ghatak, Gadar, Border, Sabse Bada Khiladi, Sholay, Ram Balram, Loha. Thay are great fan of father son duo of soldiers, Sunny Doel and Dharmendra. According to them Suny Deol is a living legend-soldier which they can use in there battle."
Our reporters asked why not from any other country? He said D K Run has seen 'Documentary films' showing fighting abilities of soldiers from other countries as well but soldiers from other countris mostly rely on  guns and other sources. Whereas Indian 'soldiers' are good at every possible way of combating, also they are more powerful, they are very impressed with Sunny Deol, mainly because of uncomparable display of strength which he showed by pulling out a hand pump out of ground, they will kidnap him very soon.
Meanwhile, Shiv Sena is not happy with Du Gaan as they have not send friend request to a 'Marathi Manoos'. They will protest against them and will beat them out of Maharashtra, if they come.

Tuesday 24 May 2011

Delhi Boy scored 105% in board exams

New Delhi:  Rohit Vij, class 12th student of Dav school, scored 105% in board exams. While Rohit and his family are extremely pleased with the results, others students are crieng foul. His father, Rakesh Vij, businessman, says “ To be very frank, I am not too surprised with the result. Our son worked very hardly and he deserved this result. Now I am buying him a new phone.”
On the contrary, whole nation is shocked that how such thing can happen.  Narendra Gupta, nieghbour  of Rakesh Vij said “ I know Rohit from his childhood,  He scored 56% in pre-board exams, obviously Rakeshji  has given something under the table.”
Meanwhile Kapil Sibal, Minister of Human Resource Development said “  I understand there is some mistake in the list, but look it is natural that when you have such a large database, some errors may come out.”. Then he relaxed a bit, took a deep breath and said, “ And its just a minor glitch if you compare it with other ministries who cannot even maintain list of 50 people properly. I hope you know who I am talking about.”  
There is strong possibility that this may unravel another huge scam. There are unconfirmed reports that Dr. Manmohan Singh has personally requested CBI to work slowly on this case as he cannot afford another scam.  Whatever the truth is, it surely wil question the faith of Indians in Indian Education system.
Meanwhile when our reporters told Rohit Vij’s mother that 100% marks is maximim one can get and it is impossible for someone to score 105%, she said “ Sadd mat, he might have got extra 5% for good hand-writing.”

Thursday 19 May 2011

Zardari agreed to hand over 50 terrorist to India, but in some conditions.

Lahore/New Delhi: Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari has agreed to hand over 50 terrorist to India, Zardari send an e-mail with an attachment to prime minister of India, Dr.Manmohan Singh. The subject of the mail was ‘hi’.
Prime minister called a late night press conference and told the whole nation that Pakistan has agreed to hand over 50 terrorist. The citizens of India were overjoyed and there were celebrations all around only until when someone switched on India TV. It was showing report of a ‘party waala bhoot’ who kills everyone who parties. People stopped there celebrations then and there.
When we queried about that attachment, PM informed us that there are some conditions which Zardari has kept. Whether our PM will accept or deny these conditions is totally dependent on Sonia Gandhi.
However, that attachment is leaked and conditions are as followed:
  1. Buy Pakistani players in next IPL. 
  2. Let Pakistan win World-Cup next time.
  3. Kill Ajmal Kasab lest he will open his mouth.
  4. Make Navjot Singh Sidhu speaker of both houses.
  5. Give monetory aid to us so that we can fund more terrorist camps.
  6. Send me a T-shirt with Sachin Tendulkar's and Rajnikant's signature on it.
  7. Send Suresh Kalmadi to Pakistan, we are planning to host a game too. We dont need him for planning but our politicians can use some extra money.
  8. You will not accuse Pakistan for any terrorist attacks on your country from now.Ever.
  9. Send Dhoni to Pakistan, we willl make him captain of Pakistan.
  10. Include Kamran Akmal in your team.

Tuesday 17 May 2011

New Pepsi commercial features Suresh Kalmadi

New Delhi: In a shocking turn of events, US based Pepsi signed a contract at an undisclosed amount with Suresh Kalmadi to endorse its brand. The TV commercial will soon be shot and company has planned a nationwide campaign featuring Suresh Kalmadi.According to Pepsi, the summer is at peak in country and sales of cold drinks are at all time high., but it needed 'something hatke' in order to get above it's rival brands.
Suresh send this photo to ad-agency. They thinks he look cute  when he smiles. What? Another Scam??
Ad-Guru Prahlad Kakkar, who was responsible for previous successful Pepsi commercials which included stars like Sachin Tendulkar and father-in-law of Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, is calling this step of Pepsi as 'much needed' and 'faaaadu'. "Pepsi needed a new endorsement project, 'Change the game' was like just ok. Pepsi got lucky there as India won, otherwise it's consumers would have changed there preference of soft drinks. Moreover I got pissed off after watching Dhoni's nipples.I did not wanted to watch them, but you know, your eyes automatically goes there.”.He shrugged.
But our reporters were still not cleared about the fact that why Pepsi has chosen Suresh Kalmadi? We contacted the marketing team of Pepsi but they didn’t respond so we just dialed the number of Indra Nooyi and asked for the thinking behind this decision.
“It shocks you, it makes you interested in our brand, Am I right?”.Asked Indra Nooyi and she was indeed right.  She continued “ This is one of the reasons we signed Suresh, we will be discussed everywhere! And our advertisement will show Suresh as a bad guy, so no danger of public anger too.”
She said she will make a commercial in which a national hero will expose Suresh Kalmadi’s all misdeeds after drinking Pepsi and our new slogan will be ‘Nation First’.
When we asked who will be that national hero she said we will start a new game show on TV in which applicants will give there entries and our judges will choose final 5 contestants and by public voting through SMS, we will choose final winner who will be playing national hero, though we have already decided that who  will play that national hero but game shows are good publicity source.”. Our reporters asked how many applications they have received. She said she have received many applications but she told that today morning a call came, it was of Dr. Manmohan Singh, he wanted to play that national hero’s part so that he can gain some positive publicity. “We refused blankly.”Nooyi said.
Meanwhile,there are some unconfirmed reports that Coke is in 'talks' with A Raja for a similar type of contract. In that commercial, a new ‘national hero’ gives A Raja Coke to drink, then A Raja goes ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrrr’ and all the money he had stolen from Indian taxpayer, falls down from his clothes. 

Monday 16 May 2011

Diesel car owners protest over 1 week delay of hike of diesel prices

New Delhi: Within 24 hours of hike in petrol price by Rs. 5, Diesel Cars Owners Association (DCOA) has declared bandh in some parts of cities. They are protesting towards government for the partial behavior shown to them.
"Humare saath sautela vyavhaar hua hai ( We are treated like stepsons)" said Ashok Gupta, proud owner of Indica diesel, "When prices of petrol are hiked today itself, why we are bound to wait? Prices have increased 9 times in recent past and almost every time, whenever prices of petrol and diesel were hiked hiked together, both parties used to protest together in various part of cities, it used to be like a carnival!!"he said, there were tears in his eyes.
This news came as a shock for Baba Sehgal as he assumed that with rise in prise of petrol, diesel price would be also increasing. he took his diesel car to a nearby petrol pump and waited for some news channels to visit that petrol pump to take public reactions for rise in price.He thought he will go for diesel and he will get interviewed and will remind people of his presence but he lost his chance for much needed 1 minute publicity as prices were not increased today. "Damn it! I even prepared a rap on the increased price of diesel, now I guess I will have to wait for one more week!", said disappointed Baba Sehgal.
Mukesh Bhatt, who is an expert on every possible thing seemed to understand the pain of DCOA "See, government always tries to play smart! They are dividing petrol and diesel users so that they cannot come together and launch a joint protest. They are using divide and rule policy."
"This is entirely baseless" said a top level manager of an oil marketing company "You only tell us, in those 9 previous times, they always launched a joint campaign, has anything changed in those 9 times? The delay is for different reasons." On continuously asking for reason he finally agreed and said that the paper work for increasing petrol prices have been completed but for diesel we have to wait because officials are busy watching IPL.
Meanwhile news channels dared and asked for Rahul Mahajan's opinion he said, "I am confused what this fuss is all about? Earlier also I used to buy petrol worth Rs. 500 and even now I am buying worth Rs. 500.".Reporters stared at him then he burst into laughing and said it was a joke that Jaipal Reddy just SMSed him.